5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

An actor spent three years in stock, but the cattle finally objected.

Blind men don’t bungee jump, it scares the dog too much.

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never tell a donkey to take a rest and "kick back." It’ll hurt.

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.

Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.

The eagles club formed an add hawk committee.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The herd instinct among forecasters make sheep look like independent thinkers.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

When dogs get rowdy, pick up the phone. There’s a pound button for a reason.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

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5/4 of all people don’t understand fractions.

50% of everything is below average

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

A grammarian’s life is always in tense.

A nearby cemetery recently raised its burial fee and blamed it on the cost of living.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said "No change yet".

After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more weeks for the unexpected unexpected delays.

Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Anything is possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial intelligence: Better than natural stupidity.

Avoid alliterations always.

Bad situations are like a jail cell, there’s always a way out.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Don’t anthropomorphise computers and cars. They hate that.

Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.

Don’t rush me; I get paid by the hour.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Excess is never too much in moderation.

First things first - but not necessarily in that order.

For fast acting relief try slowing down.

For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

He doesn’t have much of a reputation, or so I’ve heard.

He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

I always wanted to procrastinate!

I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

I asked a ref if he could give me a technical foul for thinking bad things about him. He said, "Of course not." I said, "Well, I think you stink." And he gave me a technical. You can’t trust ’em.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I find it amusing that those who walk around with a chain attached to their wallet usually don’t have any money.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I have great faith in fools... self-confidence my friends call it.

I have my doubts about disbelief.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I never know whether to pity or congratulate a person on coming to his senses.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I try to think outside the box. I hate using clichés.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I was wondering where the sun went at night, then it dawned on me.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I’m not paranoid, I just am unrealisticly fearful of every little thing such as: everything that you can ever imagine and then some.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.

If you cannot learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you want to be a great leader, hang around with people who are desperately lost.

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s all funny until someone gets hurt... then it’s hilarious!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s déja vu all over again.

It’s not I who can’t keep a secret, it’s the people I tell that can’t.

It’s not that you’re lying; it’s that I don’t believe you.

Just say NO to negativity.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

My English teacher once told me that two positives don’t make a negative. Two words for her: Yeah, right.

My son got a communications degree recently; unfortunately I couldn’t get in touch with him to congratulate him.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Never believe generalizations.

Nobody’s perfect. Some of us are just closer than others.

Nostalgia is longing for the place you'd never move back to.

One of the surest signs that intelligent life exists in outer space is that none of it has tried to contact us.

One of the worst of my many MANY faults is that I’m too critical of myself.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Procrastinate now.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a sniper rifle.

Remember, today could just as easily be the LAST day of the rest of your life.

Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.

Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

The cannibal’s cookbook titled ’How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

The future ain’t what it used to be.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don’t know where to go to erase it.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, white lies, and statistics.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

There’re only three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, that those who can’t.

There’s no such thing as nonexistence.

Thieves who stole corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

Those who defy the agent of death will face Grim Reaper-cussions.

To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

Violence is never the answer; unless the question is, "What is never the answer?"

Violence is not the answer, it’s a question, and the answer is yes.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

When parents tell you not to drink pop because it rots your teeth, hide their coffee machine.

You can observe a lot by watching.

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A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

A clean tie will always attract the soup of the day.

A man was killed with hard drink. A block of ice fell on him!

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

Always keep a record of data - it indicates you’ve been working.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

An illiterate fisherman was lost at c.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it.

Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean... against doors, tables, and walls.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.

Character Density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.

Crying is for babies, women, and men who just got their ears ripped off.

Did Adam and Eve go to school? I don’t think so.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Don’t expect to eat something fancy when you’re flying because it’s just plane food.

Don’t play stupid with me, I’m better at it!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Everyone wishes that their grass was Emo, then it would cut itself.

Exercise is such a bad word, that whenever I say it, I immediately wash my mouth with chocolate!

For someone up in years, weightlifting consists of standing up.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Hard work never killed anybody. But then again, relaxing is responsible for very few casualties.

Having a big family around is a good way to make sure there will always be someone around to answer the phone - and forget the message.

He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.

He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

He’s not dead... he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

I get along well with everybody........after they learn to worship me.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member.

I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.

If God intended for man to smoke, he would have set them on fire.

If something’s too hard to do, it’s not worth doing.

If the rolling stone gathers no moss, then the kid I pushed down the hill gathers no injuries, right?

If words really did go in one ear and out the other, right now I’d be dead.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.

If you’re a truly good thief, your name gets mentioned in the business pages.

In aerobics class, I start slow and taper off.

It is okay to be slow on every day that ends in "y".

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left.

Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence.

My uncle is sort of an artist. He draws welfare.

No problem is so big, or so complicated, that it can’t be run away from.

Nothing says "unprofessional job" like wrinkles in your duct tape.

Organization is just a lazy person’s excuse to clean up.

Pity costs nothing and is worth it.

Rehab is for quitters.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-Flat Minor.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred yard dash.

Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Trust me, I do this all the time.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

When your memory goes, forget it!

You are stuck with your debt if you don’t budge it.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A baby sitter: a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting liketeenagers.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

A bank manager without anyone around may find themselves a-loan.

A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A diplomat is someone who always remembers your birthday but never remembers your age.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A lot of money is tainted. ’Taint yours and ’taint mine.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

A thief fell and broke his legs in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

ADD= Attention Desperately Desired

Advertising = The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.

An auctioneer often looks forbidding.

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear as if it was inevitable.

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ’My dad owns a liquor store.’

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Bakers trade bread recipies on a knead to know basis.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too.

Below Average Pilot: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

Crime does not pay... as well as politics.

Death is a part of life; I’m just helping people get there faster.

Death is hereditary.

Deja Poo: The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.

Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, you could be wrong.

Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Everyone has photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Experience is what you have after you forgot her name.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends come in many shapes and sizes, and I am not one of them.

Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you makes you a referee.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

He got almost got killed twice today. You'd think once is enough!

He stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on him.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

He who laughs last probably had it explained to him.

He's a sloppy tobacco chewer. Someday he'll die from cancer of the beard.

History doesn’t repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

I’ll give you a raise if you can prove that video games caused World War II.

I’m in search of myself. If you find me before I arrive, please have me wait.

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.

If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you had all the wild thoughts Einstein had, you’d look like that too!

If you think nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you took all the students that fell asleep in class and laid them end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

Interestingly enough, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

It all started when I thought that inflammable was the opposite of flammable...

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted.

It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

It’s the honest ones you can’t trust, because they can always start telling lies, but untruthful ones, you can trust them to always lie.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils � people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Many people can't stand prosperity. Most don't have to.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

My mom’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

No work is impossible without an committee.

Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they will tell you anything.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water.

Once you’ve put down enough people a pile will form, and then look how may people you will have built up!

One dollar goes a long way. You can hire an American for an hour or a Chinese for a week!

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Our company offers Price. Quality. Service... Pick two.

People say "I know you are but what am I?" What a horrible identity crisis.

People that use the phrase, "Easy as taking candy from a baby" have never acually tried taking candy from a baby.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Prison walls are never built to scale.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to art.

Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.

Remember - no matter where you go - there you are.

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Rule: Every rule has an exception.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Seen on a septic tank truck: We’re No. 1 in the No. 2 buisiness.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Stealing someone’s coffee is called ’mugging.’

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

Suicide is equivalent to flipping over the Monopoly board.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Telemarketers are just like God, they keep calling.

Thank you, I’ll be performing here all week.

The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

The harm caused by sibling rivalry is relative.

The invention of a shirt fastener after the button was a snap.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The only good things on my TV these days are the lamp and the clock.

The only thing that will shame an attorney is poverty.

The person who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The speed of time is one-second per second.

The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

There are tri-linguals, bi-linguals, and of course there’s Americans.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those that divide the world into two kinds of people and those that don’t.

There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ’Keep off the Grass’.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.

There’s a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life.

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.

Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once. Space is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen to you.

To many girls the word "marriage" has a nice ring to it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Today is the day you were worried about yesterday.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.

Wanted: Man to understudy human cannonball. Must be willing to travel!

We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they multiply.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When chemists die, we barium.

When old people tell you how old you’ve gotten, they are just hiding their own age.

When the iron was invented there was a press conference.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

While driving, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

You can always recognize a pioneer by the arrows in his back.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

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2 wrongs make a right, but 2 Wrights make an airplane.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

A house divided cannot stand.

A lot of people who itch for success never want to scratch for it.

A man should live forever, or die trying.

A proverb is one man’s wit and all men’s wisdom.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Always put your smile on. People will assume you are a crazy person and won’t mess with you.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away - only if you throw it hard enough.

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Better the bear in the orchard than the orchard in the bear.

Better thought to be an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Common sense is the least common of all senses.

Confucius says too much. -Recent Chinese Proverb

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Do not judge a book by it’s movie.

Don't try to meet trouble half way. It moves faster than you.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket...put them in the fridge, then they will last longer.

Don’t spit into the wind.

Don’t steal, the government hates competition.

Don’t walk in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

Every wise person knows there is a wide ocean between words and deeds.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Give some people an inch and they think they are rulers.

Gravity doesn’t exist, the earth sucks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.

If patience is a virtue, then patience can wait.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you don’t choose one path, you might rip your pants.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

If you don’t know where to go, every road will take you there.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

If you’re in a bad mood, then you didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You fell off and hurt your head.In some cases, silence shouts louder than words.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Life is like a coloring book. We’re sometimes out of the lines.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

Live every day like it is your last. Crawl into a corner and cry.

Maintainer’s Motto: If we can’t fix it, it ain’t broke.

Mistakes are a normal thing; unfortunately I am a very normal person

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Most people who fall in love with themselves have no rivals.

Moves in chess are like choices in life, we always make the wrong one.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than symptoms of the disease you’re treating.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nothing is often a good thing to do, and is always a clever thing to say.

Obey your teachers; sometimes they might enforce the "dent" in student.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Peace, that brief moment in history where everyone stands around reloading.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Silence is like golden, but even gold gets old.

Take advantage of the situation.

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who go to bed with an itchy bottom, wake up with smelly fingers.

Those who live by the sword...get shot by those who don’t.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

War is the science of destruction.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Wear a watch and you’ll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you’ll never be sure.

What’s popular isn’t always right, and what’s right isn’t always popular.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When life hands you lemons, try, try again, because a penny saved gathers no moss.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you come to a fork in the road....Take it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Whoever said "only love can break a heart" has never dropped a hotdog.

You can wish as long as you live but you can’t live as long as you wish.

Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep.

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Are irons really made out of iron?

Crime doesn’t pay, Does that mean my job is a crime?

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Do pharmacists sell farms?

Do vegatarians eat animal crackers?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Doesn’t "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Has anyone ever felt like an incomplete idiot?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How come we park in a driveway, but drive in a parkway?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

I majored in Liberal Arts. By the way, would that be for here or to go?

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

I wonder what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress?

If a guy doesn’t pay his exorcist, can he be "repossessed"?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks continue sprouting branches?

If someone says they are lying, how can you not believe them?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?

If the plural of ’foot’ is ’feet’, is the plural of ’boot’, ’beet’?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Photons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic...

Professionals built the Titanic. Amatures built the Ark. What does that tell us?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

So you�re kid isn�t an honor student. Society needs laborers.

The light went out, but where to?

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little wine.

What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.

What does New Age music sound like when played backwards? New Age music.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?

What is the difference between genius and stupidity? Genius has limits.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl?

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do clocks run clockwise?

Why do McDonald’s employees always say "Have a nice day" when they know your going to get sick from all the grease in their food?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice? Aren’t we good enough for the real thing?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

You always hear about organ donors but why don’t we hear about piano donors?

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A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard.

A paperless office has about as much use as a paperless bathroom.

A thousand words are worth a picture, and they load a heck of a lot faster.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

An engineer’s outlook on life: the glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.

Another megabytes the dust.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.

C://dos
C://dos.run
run.dos.run

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you’d have to do without them.

Crashing is the only thing Windows does quickly.

Double your computer hard-drive space. Delete Windows!

Failure is not an option... it comes bundled with Windows.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If Microsoft made cars, every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

If Microsoft made cars, occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

If you take a laptop computer on a run, you might jog your memory.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Microsoft: You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

On the box of the computer I bought it said, "Install Windows 98 or greater," so I installed Linux.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

One man’s bug is another man’s feature.

One time when fixing an old PC, an error appeared that said "No keyboard signal, press Enter to continue."

Passwords are like underwear: you shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them, you should change them regularly, and you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers.

People say that if you play Microsoft CD’s backwards, you hear satanic things. But that’s nothing, because if you play them forwards they install Windows.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all my base are belong to you.

Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

There’re only 10 kind of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

There’s an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1.

Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly.

Use The Best...Linux for Servers, Mac for Graphics, Palm for Mobility, Windows for Solitaire.

Why do you have to click on Start button to stop Windows XP?

You may be addicted to the Internet if you start using phrases like Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.

Your PC makes a better door than a Windows.

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A skunk sat on a stump and the stump said the skunk stunk and the skunk said the stump stunk.

A tooter who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tooter, "Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Amidst the mists and coldest frosts with barest wrists and stoutest boasts he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

Betty Botta bought a bit o’ butter. "But," said she, "this butter’s bitter. If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter." So Betty Botta bought a bit o’ better butter and put in her bitter batter which made Betty Botta’s bitter batter a bit better.

Bill had a board bill and a billboard, and the board bill bored Bill, so Bill sold his billboard to pay the board bill.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

I saw a saw down in Arkansas that could saw more than any saw I ever saw. If you see a saw that can saw more than the saw I saw down in Arkansas, show me the saw that you saw that can saw more than the saw I saw down in Arkansas.

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

Mr. Shott and Mr. Nott agreed to fight a duel. Nott was shot and Shott was not, so it is better to be Shott than Nott. Shott shot the shot that shot Nott. If the shot that Shott shot which shot Nott had shot Shott and not Nott, Shott instead of Nott would have been shot and Nott would not.

One smart fellow, he felt smart; two smart fellows, they felt smart; three smart fellows, they all felt smart!

Wacky wierd watermelons waltzed with wicked witches which made things wierder.