Contradicting
5/4 of all people don’t understand fractions.
50% of everything is below average
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
A grammarian’s life is always in tense.
A nearby cemetery recently raised its burial fee and blamed it on the cost of living.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said "No change yet".
After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more weeks for the unexpected unexpected delays.
Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Anything is possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial intelligence: Better than natural stupidity.
Avoid alliterations always.
Bad situations are like a jail cell, there’s always a way out.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Don’t anthropomorphise computers and cars. They hate that.
Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.
Don’t rush me; I get paid by the hour.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Excess is never too much in moderation.
First things first - but not necessarily in that order.
For fast acting relief try slowing down.
For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
He doesn’t have much of a reputation, or so I’ve heard.
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
I always wanted to procrastinate!
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I asked a ref if he could give me a technical foul for thinking bad things about him. He said, "Of course not." I said, "Well, I think you stink." And he gave me a technical. You can’t trust ’em.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I find it amusing that those who walk around with a chain attached to their wallet usually don’t have any money.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I have great faith in fools... self-confidence my friends call it.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I never know whether to pity or congratulate a person on coming to his senses.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I try to think outside the box. I hate using clichés.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
I was wondering where the sun went at night, then it dawned on me.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I’m not paranoid, I just am unrealisticly fearful of every little thing such as: everything that you can ever imagine and then some.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.
If you cannot learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you want to be a great leader, hang around with people who are desperately lost.
In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It’s all funny until someone gets hurt... then it’s hilarious!
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
It’s déja vu all over again.
It’s not I who can’t keep a secret, it’s the people I tell that can’t.
It’s not that you’re lying; it’s that I don’t believe you.
Just say NO to negativity.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
My English teacher once told me that two positives don’t make a negative. Two words for her: Yeah, right.
My son got a communications degree recently; unfortunately I couldn’t get in touch with him to congratulate him.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Never believe generalizations.
Nobody’s perfect. Some of us are just closer than others.
Nostalgia is longing for the place you'd never move back to.
One of the surest signs that intelligent life exists in outer space is that none of it has tried to contact us.
One of the worst of my many MANY faults is that I’m too critical of myself.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Procrastinate now.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a sniper rifle.
Remember, today could just as easily be the LAST day of the rest of your life.
Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.
Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
The cannibal’s cookbook titled ’How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
The future ain’t what it used to be.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don’t know where to go to erase it.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, white lies, and statistics.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
There’re only three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, that those who can’t.
There’s no such thing as nonexistence.
Thieves who stole corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
Those who defy the agent of death will face Grim Reaper-cussions.
To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
Violence is never the answer; unless the question is, "What is never the answer?"
Violence is not the answer, it’s a question, and the answer is yes.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When parents tell you not to drink pop because it rots your teeth, hide their coffee machine.
You can observe a lot by watching.