Explanatory
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A baby sitter: a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting liketeenagers.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
A bank manager without anyone around may find themselves a-loan.
A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A diplomat is someone who always remembers your birthday but never remembers your age.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A lot of money is tainted. ’Taint yours and ’taint mine.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A thief fell and broke his legs in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
ADD= Attention Desperately Desired
Advertising = The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.
An auctioneer often looks forbidding.
Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear as if it was inevitable.
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ’My dad owns a liquor store.’
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Bakers trade bread recipies on a knead to know basis.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too.
Below Average Pilot: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
Death is a part of life; I’m just helping people get there faster.
Death is hereditary.
Deja Poo: The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.
Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, you could be wrong.
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Everyone has photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Experience is what you have after you forgot her name.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends come in many shapes and sizes, and I am not one of them.
Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you makes you a referee.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
He got almost got killed twice today. You'd think once is enough!
He stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on him.
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.
He who laughs last probably had it explained to him.
He's a sloppy tobacco chewer. Someday he'll die from cancer of the beard.
History doesn’t repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
I’ll give you a raise if you can prove that video games caused World War II.
I’m in search of myself. If you find me before I arrive, please have me wait.
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.
If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you had all the wild thoughts Einstein had, you’d look like that too!
If you think nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you took all the students that fell asleep in class and laid them end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Interestingly enough, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
It all started when I thought that inflammable was the opposite of flammable...
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted.
It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
It’s the honest ones you can’t trust, because they can always start telling lies, but untruthful ones, you can trust them to always lie.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils — people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Many people can't stand prosperity. Most don't have to.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
My mom’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
No work is impossible without an committee.
Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they will tell you anything.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water.
Once you’ve put down enough people a pile will form, and then look how may people you will have built up!
One dollar goes a long way. You can hire an American for an hour or a Chinese for a week!
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Our company offers Price. Quality. Service... Pick two.
People say "I know you are but what am I?" What a horrible identity crisis.
People that use the phrase, "Easy as taking candy from a baby" have never acually tried taking candy from a baby.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Prison walls are never built to scale.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to art.
Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.
Remember - no matter where you go - there you are.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Rule: Every rule has an exception.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Seen on a septic tank truck: We’re No. 1 in the No. 2 buisiness.
Sign in a restaurant window: Come in, or we’ll both starve.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Stealing someone’s coffee is called ’mugging.’
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.
Suicide is equivalent to flipping over the Monopoly board.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Telemarketers are just like God, they keep calling.
Thank you, I’ll be performing here all week.
The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
The harm caused by sibling rivalry is relative.
The invention of a shirt fastener after the button was a snap.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The only good things on my TV these days are the lamp and the clock.
The only thing that will shame an attorney is poverty.
The person who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The speed of time is one-second per second.
The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
There are tri-linguals, bi-linguals, and of course there’s Americans.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those that divide the world into two kinds of people and those that don’t.
There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ’Keep off the Grass’.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
There’s a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life.
They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.
Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once. Space is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen to you.
To many girls the word "marriage" has a nice ring to it.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Today is the day you were worried about yesterday.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Wanted: Man to understudy human cannonball. Must be willing to travel!
We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they multiply.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
When chemists die, we barium.
When old people tell you how old you’ve gotten, they are just hiding their own age.
When the iron was invented there was a press conference.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
While driving, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
You can always recognize a pioneer by the arrows in his back.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.